Scarred Secrets
by Bonfire Watson
Summary: Sam has felt like everything was his fault since he became a hunter. He tried to deal with it, but what happens when his boyfriend, Gabriel, finds out? Written by me and the incredible TrekkieL. Rated T for self harm and language. (This will also probably be posted on TrekkieL's profile)


**Another Sabriel fic by my and the beautiful TrekkieL :) The first chapter is mine, second hers, third mine etc... Hope you enjoy :): **

"Bye Gabe" Sam smiled as he hugged Gabriel goodbye  
"I'll be just over an hour okay, don't do anything stupid" Gabriel smirked. And with that he vanished, off to pick off some weird ingredients that Dean and Cas needed for the thing they were hunting.  
Sam breathed out and walked over to his bedroom and reached under his mattress for the little metal tin he kept there. He opened and looked at the several shining blades in there. He sat up on his bed, cross legged. He was tired. He thought back to yesterday, when he was on a demon hunt with Dean. It was his fault that girl died. He should have been there earlier.

Sam thought back to when he and Dean had hunted back before Castiel and Gabriel. He remembered how everyone he was close to always died. He remembered how his brother had complete faith and trust in him. How his father had treated him like a gift while he dumped him on Dean. Sam thought about all the problems he must have cause for Dean, what a nightmare he must have been as a child. He thought back to a time where theirs father had beat Dean because he snuck out and Dean couldn't find him. He thought about how useless he was to anyone and everyone.

He was a freak. That much was obvious. He was always wrong, out of place. Dean had said it himself. How many times he had screwed up. What was the point of him if all he did was make things worse? Dean was the better hunter, everybody knew. He was just the tag along, the fuck up, just there to laugh at. As he took out one of the blades he thought back to mistakes he'd made that nearly ended the world. He started the apocalypse. He was addicted to demon blood. He was killing demons with his mind. He was barley even human.

Sam thought about what people had said to him as he rolled his sleeve up, revealing the laddered scars of the past. They reminded him of how he failed, how he got everyone killed.  
As he cut the first time, he thought about Dean, how he's fucked up his brothers childhood because he was always looking after his little brother.  
As he cut the second time, he thought about him mom. How she had died because he was chosen. It was his fault mom was dead.  
As he cut the third time, he thought about the lives he hadn't been able to save and the people he'd killed. All those possessed humans, innocent humans who had no idea what was going on. Like Meg's vessel... How she fell from the building and broken every bone.  
He cut again for no reason, then he cut again, this time thinking of Gabriel. How disappointed his archangel boyfriend would be with him if he found out.

He couldn't tell anyone. He was the strong one. He knew Dean was only a few straws away from collapsing, and if he knew that he wasn't okay, if he wasn't happy and problem free then he might cave in completely. Imagining how Gabe would feel if he found out, a single tear fell down his cheek and onto his upturned arm, the salty tear stinging the open wounds. Gabriel would be angry, he would probably never speak to him again. He could never tell him.  
"I'm sorry, Gabe" Sam whispered into the air.

"You called, baby?" Gabriel smiled as he suddenly appeared by the door frame. One look at Sam told him everything.  
"Sam! What the hell are you doing?!" Gabriel cried, running forward and snatching the blade out of Sam's hand, accidentally cutting his hand as he pulled it away quickly. He put the blade back in Sam's pot and threw the wretched thing across the room.  
"Sam? What's going on?" Gabriel asked. Sam knew Gabriel would hate him, that he would dump him and leave, and the thought made more tears fall.  
"Hey, Sam? Baby, don't cry." Gabriel gently wiped the tears away. Sam looked up, and was completely shocked to see Gabriel's eyes were welled with their own tears, and expression of genuine concern on his face. Sam didn't like it. Gabriel was a fun trickster. To see this expression on his face was so foreign.  
"Tell me, what's wrong? Please?" Gabriel sat beside Sam on the bed, wrapping an arm around his waist. Sam nearly cried at how soft and scared Gabriel sounded. It just... Wasn't Gabriel.

"Please... Don't... Don't hate me" Sam whispered. Gabriel moved his hands from Sam's waist and put them gently on his shoulders.  
"Why would I hate you?" Gabriel asked, his voice so quiet and soft. He looked straight into Sam's eyes, past the tears and saw all the pain and misery behind them. Sam shook his head and brought his knees up to his head, trying to make himself as small as he could. "Hey, it's okay. Sam, look at me"  
Sam slowly bought his head away from his knees to look at Gabriel. Another tear fell, he couldn't stop them now. "I'll get you a bandage for you, we can patch you up, yeah?" Sam nodded, feeling like a five year old.

"Don't move, okay?" Gabriel warned, standing up. Sam nodded again, burying his head back in his knees and sobbing. Gabriel went to find some bandages. When he came back, Sam was standing up, looking out the window at the stars that shone bright.  
"Sam, baby? You okay?" Gabriel asked. Sam nodded. "Why don't we go outside? It's stuffy and boring in here, no offence." Gabriel smiled when he saw a small smile from Sam before he nodded.  
"Come on, I'll clean you up outside." Gabriel took Sam's hand and the tin and gently led him outside, where they decided to sit under a tree. Gabriel watched Sam as he wrapped the bandage around Sam's arm. Sam was looking up at the stars in silent prayer.  
"Hey, babe? I don't hate you." Gabriel muttered as he finished wrapping the bandage.  
"Thanks." Sam sighed.

"You wanna tell me why? You don't have to" Gabriel put a comforting hand on Sam's shoulder.  
"It's just... I'm not... Right" Sam said, almost in a whisper. "I'm a freak and I let everyone down" His voice cracked a little. Gabriel moved his hand to Sam's waist and pulled him in to a hug.  
"Shh, I'm here, it's okay" He put his hand on Sam's face "And you know what? You've never let me down, not once."

"You wouldn't understand... You don't know what it's like to be me. I got my friends killed, my family killed, innocent people have die because of me..." Sam couldn't continue anymore, so he buried his face in Gabriel's shirt as Gabriel ran a hand through his hair.  
"Sam, your mothers happy, your father made a choice, Bobby fought for you and stayed with you for long after his accident. Your friends: Jo, Ellen, Ash, the others, they're all happy in heaven, together. Me and Castiel make sure of that. Me, Castiel, Dean, we're still here, and we're fighting for you. We will protect you." Gabriel listened to Sam's quiet crys, then he had a thought.  
"Sam... Is any of this my fault?"

Sam looked up at Gabriel, his eyes red, his face tear stained.  
"How could it be your fault?"  
Gabriel sighed and looked down.  
"Well, first off, I always fucked with you and Dean before we got together. That was the last thing you needed to add to your pile. And second, I'm hardly the most supportive of boyfriends am I? I just joke around, I'm never serious enough that you could tell me anything."

"Gabe..." Sam tried to say something.  
"You know what?" Gabriel smiled sadly as a tear fell down his face. "You would have been so much better off without me here. Without me joking around with you, killing your brother." Gabriel let out a half laugh, half sob. "Who does that?! Who kills someone else's brother for fun?!" Gabriel cried, more tears falling down his face. "I trapped you and your brother in television land while I sat back and laughed. I repeatedly killed your brother! He was the only family you had and I made you think he died everyday for weeks! I'm probably the main cause of this!" Gabriel shouted, unable to stop himself.

"Gabe, please" Sam said, quietly, pleadingly. Gabriel didn't seem to hear him, or if he did, then he ignored Sam's pleads.  
"I should have stayed dead when you killed me the first time! I'm a monster, just like all the others you hunt, you know what? Just kill me now!" Gabriel was on the verge of screaming now, tears rolling down his face, body shaking. Sam looked up at Gabriel.  
"Gabe..." He reached for the angel's hand and wrapped the fingers around his own.

"Gabe, you're not a monster. You're my angel and I love you, for who you are." Sam whispered.  
"I'm not helping you at all... I'm just making things worse..." Gabriel muttered.  
"Gabe..." Sam lifted his free hand and wiped the tears off his angel's face. "I don't like it when you cry. And I don't want you dead. I want you here, with me and happy." Sam told him.  
"We'll both get through this, baby." Gabriel sniffed, wiping his eyes. He took his hand out of Sam's and pulled off his jacket, wrapping it around Sam.  
"It's cold." Gabriel muttered, then he picked up the tin. "I used to too..." Gabriel sighed, hoping Sam hadn't heard him.

"What?" Sam looked up at Gabriel. He smiled.  
"Nothing"  
"No, you said that you used to?"  
Gabriel sighed and looked at Sam.  
"You weren't meant to hear that"  
"Tell me?" Sam looked into Gabriel's eyes.

"It was after that time I told you I loved you..." Gabriel sighed.

Gabriel had started spend a hell of a lot more time on Earth since he'd met the winchesters.  
He'd been ordered by God to watch over the younger Winchester, as Castiel had been ordered to watch over Dean.  
One day, Dean, Cas, Sam and Gabriel had split up to chase a group of demons. Sam and Gabriel were exploring a warehouse while Castiel and Dean were in a forest about a mile away.  
When they got there, they split up again, to cover more rooms. Unfortunately, Sam had entered a room filled with about three-dozen demons, eyes black.  
Sam fought against them, only to get thrown into a wall, landing on his arm. He screamed. His head pounded and his arm felt broken. He wasn't sure what time Gabriel had entered the room, but all he could see was a huge white light, a flash and then every demon on the floor. Gabriel, too, was on the floor, on his knees and gasping for breath.  
"Sammy...? You... You alright?" Gabriel asked, looking over his shoulder at Sam. Sam nodded, although his vision doubled and his arm felt like fire.  
"Thanks..." Sam smiled. Gabriel suddenly lifted his head, like a dog who'd heard something.  
"We need to run, now!" Gabriel shouted, picking himself up off the floor and running over to Sam. "You're gonna have to walk... I used my mojo for the demons... I don't have enough energy to fly." Gabriel explained as he pulled Sam up by his good arm.  
"Gabe, just leave me. I can protect myself." Sam panted.  
"Yeah, just look at how you 'protected yourself' just now!" Gabriel retorted, pulling Sam's good arm over his shoulder to steady him.  
"Why did you waste your energy to save me?" Sam finally asked.  
"Because people protect the ones they love!" Gabriel shouted, then suddenly shut up.  
"Gabe?" Sam smiled. Gabe looked to Sam. Sam brought his broken arm up to place a large hand on Gabriel's cheek, bringing him closer for a kiss. Sam almost laughed at how Gabriel had to tiptoe to kiss him.  
"Wow!" Sam sighed as he pulled away, resting his forehead on Gabriel. "We have to do that again!"  
"Sure, let's save our skins first." Gabriel laughed.  
-

"That was a great day" Sam sighed as he remembered their first kiss "Except for the nearly getting killed part, of course" A tiny smile spread on his face.  
"Yeah, it was. Except my family wasn't too approving of the fact I'd kissed a guy. Cas was pretty much the only one who stayed with me. Balthazar and Lucifer would still talk to me, but I doubt they were thrilled with me. All the others gave me hell. Said I wasn't worthy to be God's son." Gabriel smiled sadly, not wanting to break down again.  
"Oh, Gabe... Why didn't you tell me?" Sam looked at Gabriel with concern laced in his eyes.  
"I'm guessing for the same reasons you didn't tell me."

"Gabe? Do you... Do you regret-"  
"Sam, no!" Gabriel interrupted.  
"Gaby, let me finish." Sam shushed him. "Do you regret our relationship? If you could go back, and stop that from happening, would you?" Sam asked.  
"No! I didn't mean it like that!" Gabriel cried, pulling Sam into a desperate hug, kissing Sam's forehead.  
"Hey, I'm just asking." Sam replied. "I'm sorry your family gave you shit... But you don't need them now. You have us. Me, Dean, Castiel, we are all family. You are too." Sam told his angel. Sam reached over to Gabriel's arm, pulling the sleeve up. Scars similar to Sam's were visible.  
"Pretty ugly, huh?" Gabe sighed.  
"No. You're beautiful, Gabe. You always have been." Sam kissed the scars running up his angel's arm. "I thought Angels healed?" Sam thought out loud.  
"They do. I used an angel blade..." Gabriel trailed off. "Anyway, wanna help me bury your tin?" Gabe smiled, sitting up and grabbing the tin.

Sam grabbed Gabriel's arm before he could walk away and looked at him deadly serious, straight in the eyes.  
"Next time either of us feel like this, feel like doing anything, or just feel down, we talk to each other, yeah?"  
"Yeah. Deal" Gabriel gave Sam a reassuring smile. Sam returned one.  
"Come on then, we'll bury it together" Sam said, standing up.

Gabriel found a spot on the ground where they wouldn't remember, and used his mojo to make a hole.  
"I don't like to get my hands dirty." Gabriel smirked. "Do you wanna do it?"  
"Sure." Sam took the tin and placed it in the hole before kicking dirt over. "There." Sam smiled. "We can't bury your angel sword so I'm gonna trust you."  
"Sam?" Gabriel stepped forward, grabbing Sam's arm and rolling the sleeve up. "Do you want me to use my mojo?"

Sam thought for a minute.  
"I think so. I guess, now you know, I don't have to hole it all up anymore, we can both split the crappieness between us." Gabriel smiled.  
"I know I'd get rid of mine if I could too" He unwrapped the bandage on Sam's arm carefully, the wounds were still bleeding, he's gone down pretty deep. Now he was looking closer, he could see all the previous scars too, faded, but still visible, much like his own. He placed his hand on Sam's arm and a blue glow radiated from him. Sam winced in pain a little, but didn't move.

The glow faded, and Gabriel moved his hand away. Sam looked at his arm.  
"Thank you." Sam smiled, wrapping his arms around his angel.  
"No problem, kiddo." Gabriel chuckled. They took the others hand and walked back round to the tree, Sam lying down on the floor and Gabriel sat beside him.  
"Gaby, come here." Sam motioned. Gabriel shuffled closer and Sam grabbed his hand.  
"Remember TV land? When I got you hammered you in the balls?" Gabriel chuckled. Sam laughed.  
"Now that hurt like fuck, Gabe." Sam smiled. "Remember Dr. Sexy?"  
"Hey! I'm still Dr. Sexy!" Gabriel punched Sam's arm playfully.  
"Yeah yeah." Sam put his hands behind his head and relaxed. Suddenly, Gabriel jumped on top of Sam, tickling him mercilessly.

Sam burst out laughing, a loud joyous sound that was not heard often enough. He flailed his legs helplessly, his arms trying to push Gabriel off.  
"Gabe! No, stop!" Gabriel grinned and eased off the tickling, laying beside Sam on the floor. He reached out to find Sam's hand and entwined his fingers between Sam's giant ones. They both rolled over onto their sides to face each other and smiled.  
"You are ridiculously gorgeous, you know that?" Gabriel said, smiling at Sam, their faces only a few centimetres apart.  
"Oh really?" Sam said with a smirk "Well I think you are adorable" He shuffled towards Gabriel so their noses touched. Gabriel grinned and leaned in to kiss Sam's lips.

**We'd love to hear what you guys thought of that?**


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